When You Just Can't Find Happiness
by purplemonkey124
Summary: Warning: THIS IS NOT A HAPPY FIC! CHARACTER DEATH. This is my first AU story, where Harry and Ginny don't get married but Harry decides to adopt a child instead. After a happy beginning, Harry learns that not everything can stay bright for long.


"You're going to what?!" Ron exclaimed loudly to the whole pub.

"Shhh! Let's not the whole world hear yet, yeah?" Harry hissed lowly, looking around, worried someone had heard.

"But Harry, you're not even married. Heck, you aren't even dating anyone! Why now? You only just moved to you're new flat, and you did just get that promotion at work. Everything is going so well for you since the Ginny fiasco. Why risk that right now?" Hermione. The ever clever one. Except for on this. She just didn't get it. Her and Ron didn't want kids yet. They had always had their own families. Never had to worry about calling them their own. Harry hadn't had that luxury. Sure Ron and Hermione had been his family for the past 12 years, but he couldn't call them his own. All he really wanted was SOMEONE to just be his. That was all. And he told them as much.

"Hermione, Ron, i really do appreciate the concern, but really, I know what I'm doing here. The fact that my life is going so well right now just makes it that much of a better idea for me to adopt now. I'm 22, in a stable financial situation, and in a flat just big enough for me and a baby."

"But what about trying to meet someone? You don't want to be single forever do you?" Ron asked, with something in his eyes akin to horror.

"It doesn't matter to me anymore Ron. I just want a kid. I've always wanted kids. That was part of the reason me and Ginny didn't work out. She didn't want to start a family like I did. We used to argue about it all the time." Harry and Ginny had dated again right after the war ended. They had gone strong for about a month, despite the grief and funerals and stress, but came to realize later that their relationship had been less than perfect.

flashback

_Harry had been at the Burrow for a little over a month now. He had moved in right after the Final Battle by an insistent Molly Weasley. It didn't take too long to convince him however, seeing as he had his best friends, girlfriend, and almost as good as surrogate parents there. His girlfriend. Ginny. He had been so happy and relieved to be with her again. While on the run, there had been times where it almost hurt to think about her because he missed her so much. Therefore, when Ginny had opened her arms to him once again, albeit slightly reluctantly, he jumped at the chance. And so for the past month, everything had gone smoothly. It was when Harry had mentioned moving into a flat together that had started the downfall._

_The last funerals and memorials and interviews were finally coming to an end, and the Weasley's household was finally beginning to get back a sense of normality. Ron started eating regularly and complaining about his stomach, Ginny started throwing bat-bogey's at her brother's again for teasing Harry, and George even started to play mini pranks again. Percy had come out of the shower one morning with bright green hair, that Ginny had swooned at, saying it reminded her of Harry's eyes. Harry had thought it might be the perfect time to start the idea of him and Ginny starting their lives together. So one night when they had been taking their nightly stroll down the street in front of the house, Harry took a deep breath and dove right in._

_"Gin? Can I ask you something kind of big?" He sounded so unsure, and she looked at him with a worried look._

_" 's up?"_

_"Well I've been thinking. We've been doing pretty well right? You and me? Don't you think?" He was stringing his hands together nervously._

_"Wellll. yeah. Of course Harry. We love each other. Where is this going?" She was looking hesitantly into his eyes._

_"ummm…. Ithinkmaybeweshouldmoveintogetherinaflat" It came out in one giant rush of air. Ginny looked at him with a dazed look._

_"Wait what?"_

_"I said….I think maybe you and I should get a flat together and live together. I love you so much Gin! And things have been going so great! Maybe it's time we think about taking the next steps together, you know?" He stopped their walking and looked down pleadingly into her beautiful chocolate eyes. When he looked down however, he had expected to find love and passion in her eyes. Not the fear and doubt laying there instead. She opened her mouth._

_"Harry…. I don't know…. I mean.. Im only 17. You're only 18. Plus I'm going off to finish Hogwarts this fall remember? I don't exactly see how this is great timing." Her eyes got more and more sad as she saw his crestfallen face._

_"I just thought… I mean…. I love you so much. And you said you loved me. I just want to be with you Gin."_

_"You are with me Harry! That won't ever change! But I mean…. think about it. We're too young. And we haven't even been together that long really. And what if-" but Harry but her off before she could finish,_

_"I have thought about Gin. Don't you think I would have thought about it a lot before I actually said anything about it? All I need to know is that we love each other. As long as we have that what else really matters? It won't change us if we don't want it to. Plus with the school thing...Well you could come home on weekends. And you'd be able to come home on breaks and such." His voice seemed to be getting more frantic and nervous. This wasn't how he had expected it to go at all._

_"But Harry, we do live together now. We don't have to pay for anything either so we can stay here until we figure everything out. Why do you want to move out so badly?" she was starting to think there was some kind of underlying reason that he wasn't mentioning yet._

_"I just want to live with you Gin. I want to start our lives together!" He couldn't tell her how much he wanted to marry her and have kids with her. How much he desperately wanted a family with her. She would only do it out of pity then._

_"Harry if that was the only reason, then you wouldn't be pushing this so hard. What's the real reason?"_

_"What? Th-There is no other reason." He stuttered._

_"Bullocks. Harry tell me, or I swear-" She began to yell._

_"Because there's not enough room for OUR family here Ginny!" He clapped his hands over his mouth and looked at her with fear in his eyes. Ginny took a step back looking shocked. Slowly however, her shock, to Harry's surprise, turned to anger. Her ears were turning red._

_"Gin? Say something?" Harry squeaked._

_"You-You….." she started to speak but couldn't seem to get the words out so she tried again. Her voice was deadly calm now._

_"You think that you would lure me out of my HOME to come live with you without telling me the real reason why, just so you could get me in bed so I could start having your babies?! I'm only 17 for Merlin's sake Harry! Or had you forgotten?"_

_"Well… G-Gin I… I didn't necessarily mean right now. Just in the near future I was just kind of hoping - I guess….."_

_He faltered, unsure how to continue. Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. He stood there in shock not sure how to respond next. Unfortunately she took that opportunity to attack._

_"You shouldn't have brought this up Harry! You know how I feel about having kids. I've told you! I don't want children! At least not for a very long time! And yet you think it's a good idea to make me move in with you so eventually you could slip up one night and get me pregnant? I can't believe you would do this Harry! So the answer is absolutely no! I don't want to move in with you!" And with that she stomped down the lane with her hair flowing behind her, leaving Harry in a shocked stupor. He stood there for about 20 minutes before slowly making his way down the lane back to the Burrow._

_After that night, everything seemed to just go downhill. There was always tension between the two, and whenever the subject of their fight was brought up by anyone, or the words flat or family were mentioned, Ginny would get a stern and distant look on her face, and Harry would refuse to look anyone in the eye._

_About two months after their huge fight, they had exchanged a few nasty words to each other about how the other wasn't being true and faithful if this was carrying on. That night Harry went to Grimmauld place and received a letter the next morning saying that it was over. She couldn't do it anymore. And that was that. It was over._

_It took him another month before he finally let Ron and Hermione convince him to actually move on. And so he found a job and started saving to buy a flat._

End Flashback

And now four years later, he was in his own flat in Hogsmead, Head Junior Auror at the Ministry, and sitting in Rosmerta's with Ron and Hermione dropping the bomb that he wanted to adopt a had known that Ron and Hermione would be a bit skeptical, but he had hoped they would still be supportive.

"Look. I'm doing this whether or not you think it's a good idea. So you can either support me or not. Your choice." Ron and Hermione gave each other a look and then turned back to Harry. Ron spoke up first,

"Hey mate. It's your choice. If this is what you want and it'll make you happy, then go for it. We'll be there to help you if you need it as well." He clapped Harry on the back supportively and then they both turned to Hermione expectantly. She hesitated and then said,

"I still think it's a bit of a big choice," Harry was about to cut her off, "BUT! I'll support it either way. I just want to see you truly happy again Harry." And with that she reached over and gave him a hug which he returned gratefully.

"Thank you guys."

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It took longer than Harry expected to go through an adoption. He had requested that he wanted a boy, and that he would prefer a wizarding child, but would also take a muggle to if it felt right. It took almost a year before a young wizard baby was left at a muggle orphanage. He had begun to get restless sitting around waiting for the agency to let him know anything. It was actually the night before his birthday, when the whole Weasley clan, Harry, and Hermione were sitting at the table enjoying a family dinner, that an owl made its way through the window and landed on Harry's shoulder with a scroll of parchment. He had eagerly opened it and began to read aloud what it said,

"Dear Mr. Potter,

After many months of tracking down any children that fit the requirements you gave us for your planned adoption, we believe we have found a child that suits your description. He is of Wizarding descent of the Tomulous family and has been given up for adoption by his parents due to reasons of age. We have tracked him down in a muggle orphanage just outside of London. He is approximately 5 months old and was born on January 24th of this year. We would like to arrange a meeting with you at the earliest date so we can discuss if this is still something you are wishing to pursue. Please contact me at my office in the Office of social working at the Ministry of the date you wish to come by.

Hoping you are well,

Morina Dillinburgh

Office of Social Work"

The table was silent when Harry was done reading. He stared down at the letter in shock. It was Mrs. Weasley who finally broke the silence,

"Harry dear?" she questioned worriedly. Slowly Harry's face turned from shock and a huge grin appeared on his face. He looked up to everyone beaming.

"I'm going to have a son." Mrs. Weasley gave him a smile and then walked over to him and embraced him so hard the wind was knocked out of him,

"We are so happy for you dear! You are going to make a great father! Now go reply to her now!" once she let go, he kissed her on the cheek and then ran upstairs with the owl following behind him.

"Dear Morina Dillinburgh,

Thank you so much for the great news! I can come to the Ministry tomorrow around 12 noon. I want to make this as plain and easy as I can. I just want to start my life with my son as soon as possible. I will see you tomorrow. Thank you again!

-Mr. H. Potter"

He hurriedly tied the letter to the owls foot and watched as the bird took off into the night. He was lost in his thought when he heard the door open behind him and footsteps coming towards him.

"Happy Birthday mate." Ron whispered as he placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry just kept beaming into the night.

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The second Harry held his son for the first time, they had an instant bond. It didn't matter of blood or not. As he looked into the babies blue green eyes he felt something he had never felt before. He felt a sense of family that was different than the Weasley's. This baby was HIS family.

"So mate, what are you going to name him?" Ron asked over the girls cooing at the tiny infant.

"James. James Sirius Potter." He said simply as though it were obvious of his choice. He couldn't take his eyes off of the beautiful baby, but he felt Ron nod in understanding.

"Perfect choice."

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From that day on, Harry and James were inseparable. Harry refused point blank to have a baby sitter, only letting James leave his sight when absolutely necessary, but always making sure one of the Weasley's or Hermione had him if it was necessary for them to part.

The love that Harry had for this little boy was completely obvious. He worshipped the little guy. Harry and James needed each other so desperately, and everyone could not have been happier that the two found each other.

The good doesn't always seem to last forever though when you are a new single parent. Harry never stopped showing his love for his son by any means, but everyone could tell he was running himself thin.

His job at the ministry was highly dangerous and took a lot of his time, but yet he would still go to the Burrow after a 12 hour shift, pick up James, and go home to feed, play, and put him to bed. Only to get up the next day and do the same thing again. He was starting to get bags under his eyes, and his hair was more unkempt than was normal. They had tried to get Harry to take one night for himself, but he refused, stating that it was simply "in the job description".

But despite being exhausted and stressed, those two had the time of their life ...

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It had been three and a half years since the adoption, and 6 days away from James' 4th birthday. They were going to have cake and presents, and all of his friends were going to be there for a party. Little James couldn't stop talking about. He went around telling anyone who would listen that he was about to turn 4.

"Daddy! Daddy!" He squealed with his little high pitched voice.

"Yes James?" He replied patiently.

"When I turn four, can I have a cool broom like you and Uncle Won?" He had taken to calling Ron 'Won', which was hilarious to everyone else but Ron himself, who couldn't shake the memories that came with the name.

"James you know not to ask about what you're getting for your birthday. You'll find out in 6 days." James pouted and crossed his arms making him look very cute instead of angry like he wanted to. Harry chuckled,

"It's only six days champ. You can wait a little longer. Now go get ready to take a bath. I'll be in in a minute. I just have to make sure all your presents are hidden real good." Harry winked at his son when he saw his eyes light up and then he ran hurriedly down the hall to get ready for a bath.

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"Daddy! Daddy come quick!" Harry was startled awake by the sound of his son's cries. James had been known to have nightmares once in a while about monsters under his bed that George had so kindly told him about, so it wasn't a real surprise when Harry was woken again in the middle of the night.

"Daddy!" It was weird though. James didn't sound scared so much as he usually did. He sounded more… choked, for lack of a better word. Curiously Harry opened the door and gasped at what he saw. Little James was sitting on the floor clutching his stomach with a puddle of tonight's supper lying in front of him and down his shirt. He looked pale and flushed and was breaking out in a cold sweat.

"James! what's wrong? What hurts?" Harry hurried frantically over to his crying and heaving son and knelt down next to him, wiping away the sick with a flick of his wand.

"My tummy really hurts daddy. I don't feel too good." He whimpered.

"It's okay buddy, let's get you into the bathroom okay? We'll clean you up a bit, yeah?" he picked up his son and carried him into the master bathroom, setting him down on the toilet seat where he then proceeded to wriggle the boys soiled shirt off of his fevered body. He went to the sink and then wet a washcloth and placed it on James' forehead. He was just about to wipe off James' mouth when James opened his eyes and frantically looked at his dad, batting away the hand with the cloth. Harry was startled at first but quickly recovered when he realized what was about to happen.

"Are you going to be sick again James?" James nodded miserably before being pulled into his dad's lap and faced towards the toilet, where he heaved dramatically, his dad rubbing his hands on his back and through his hair.

"It's okay Jamie. You're alright. Just try to breath through it okay? You're gonna be okay. I've got you." Eventually it stopped, when he was doing nothing but dry heaving and crying.

"It hurts daddy. Make it stop." Harry didn't know what else to do so he set James on the floor, and went into the cabinet above the sink, where he found a pain reliever potion and a stomach soother. It wouldn't cure whatever had attacked the little body, but it would at least make him be able to rest for the night. He held up his son's head and fed him the potions, and soon James' face relaxed and he was deep asleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, he placed a quietly sleeping James on his bed and then cuddled in right next to him.

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"Hey Ron. Sorry to call you so early before work. I know you're trying to get ready." He was floo calling Ron at 5am in the morning.

"It's no problem mate. What's up?" Ron groaned groggily, rubbing his eyes.

"I was wondering if you could tell Kingsley I can't come in today. James was up all night last night. He's come down with some stomach flu that's really got him down. I just got him back to bed about a half hour ago. I think I should probably stay with him today." Ron looked a bit more alert after this news.

"Is he alright? Does he have a fever?"

"Yeah. A pretty high one too. But I've given him some potions that'll help I think."

"Alright. Yeah stay with him. I'll let Kingsley know. Want me or Hermione to stop by?" He knew the answer was going to be 'no', but he asked anyways.

"No it's fine. I have it under control. If it gets really bad for some reason, I'll call your mum. Promise."

"Alright. Well tell him I say when he feels better I'll take him out flying with me." Ron said with a bit of a chuckle.

"I'm sure he'll love that. Thanks Ron. I'll talk to you later alright?"

"Alright mate. Take it easy." Harry withdrew his head from the floo and quickly made his way back to his room where he heard James waking up again for another round of 'fun'.

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It was about 2 oclock in the afternoon when James' fever finally spiked high enough, and he couldn't even hold down water anymore, that was when Harry finally cracked down and called Molly.

"Where is he? The poor dear." Mrs. Weasley asked as she quickly scrambled through the fire place and through the flat to James' room. He was laying on Harry's bed, a bucket set next to him and a wet wash cloth rested gently on his forehead. He looked so pale. And when Molly ran a diagnostic test over him with her wand, she turned almost as pale.

"His appendix burst." She looked at him with wide eyes, before Harry scrambled to pick up his weak son and immediately disapparated to St. Mungo's.

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At 5:43 pm, they got the news. The healers had tried everything they could to make him better, but it had progressed too fast. James was now peacefully in an eternal rest. As Harry went to go see his son for the last time, Molly went to call the others, reaching Ron last.

"Ron dear? I'm sorry to interrupt you at work, but somethings happened. I need you to come to St. Mungo's right now. It's James." Ron couldn't miss the sorrowful tone his mum used.

"I-I'll be right through." And three seconds later Ron stumbled through.

"What happened? Where's James? Where's Harry?" Molly imply took him into a hard embrace and let out a sob.

"It was his appendix. He got really bad so Harry called me over and I did a spell and his appendix had burst! They couldn't save him Ron! Little James is gone!" And with that she simply burst into uncontrollable tears. Ron stood in shock, until his dad came to take Molly back to her seat.

"Where's Harry?" That was all Ron could think about. Find Harry. Now.

"He went in to see James. Then he just left. Said he was getting some fresh air." Ginny said in a sad voice, her head rested against George's shoulder.

"You guys just let him go? He could have gone anywhere! He can't be alone at a time like this! I'm going to find him." and with that he turned on his heel and apparated to where he knew Harry was going to be. Seconds later, he landed himself right outside James' bedroom door, that stood slightly ajar. He hesitated slightly before finally just gathering his courage and going in. Harry stood at the end of the bed, just staring at it with a blank look on his face. He almost looked a bit lost. Like he didn't know how or why he was there.

"Harry?" Ron asked quietly. Harry's breathing was getting faster and Ron could see the comprehension of what was happening dawning on Harry's face as the moment passed.

"Harry look at me." No response, " Harry please!"

"It's all my fault." Harry almost sounded like he was whimpering. "I should have known something wasn't right. I should have known to bring him to St. Mungo's sooner. I'm a horrible father. My boy! Ron he was my son!" When Harry finally looked up, Ron gasped at what he saw. The normally vibrant green eyes were bloodshot red, and there was such raw pain in them that he almost had to look away.

"Harry no. It wasn't your fault. This rarely happens to wizards, so there was no way you could have guessed this would happen. I promise you, you were a GREAT father. You gave him everything and more. He couldn't have gotten any better." Harry bit his lip and his eyes filled with tears.

"James" He let out an anguished moan before Ron wrapped his arms around him and he completely lost it. Ron didn't think he had ever seen somebody in so much pain before. Even his parents hadn't been like this when Fred died. They had been sad, but never had he been able to see someone's pain so clearly as he did now with Harry. Soon Harry's legs completely refused to hold him upright any longer and Ron lowered them slowly and gently to the ground, Harry nearly howling in misery by then. Ron didn't know what to do so he simply sat there rocking his best friend back and forth. Then he heard a creaking noise behind him. He turned to look and to his surprise, saw his dad coming into the room. Immediately Ron's eyes filled with tears as well and he mouthed to his dad, "Please help him." Arthur Weasley knelt down next to his son's and put a hand on Harry's shoulder to let him know he was there. By this time Harry had been able to begin stifling his sobs ack, and he was beginning to quiet down.

"Harry will you look at me?" Mr. Weasley asked and in a gentle voice. "Harry please" He took his chin and gently lifted his face to look into those pain filled emerald eyes.

"Please don't say you know what I'm feeling. Please don't." Harry choked out, his voice thick.

"Harry son, I DO know what you're feeling right now. Remember, I lost one of my son's too."Harry's face was one of comprehension and guilt, before he collapsed again completely against his best friend once again.

"It won't ever stop hurting, but it will get better. I swear." Ron was about to tell his dad to stop talking but he got the one word out, "dad", and Harry seemed to latch onto that one word. He let a heart-wrenching sob out that made Ron shake as well, and if possible, started crying even harder. Arthur took one of his hands, and the other, Harry fisted into Ron's shirt. And so they sat there, for about 20 minutes, sitting in the middle of the floor of James' room, until finally Ron took the break of Harry's crying to speak up.

"Harry c'mon. Let's get you out of this room. You don't want to be here right now."He whispered gently into Harry's ear as Harry took deep shuddering breaths to try and right himself again. He let himself be gently lifted up between the two men, and numbly followed as they led him to the living room couch and sat him down.

"I'm going to go call the others to let them know we have him. Then I'll go make some tea." Ron nodded and then turned back to Harry, forcing him to lay down on the couch and sitting on the floor by Harry's head. Harry lay there with tears slowly tracking their way down the bridge of his nose and onto the couch while staring at Ron with puffy red eyes. Ron just stared back and ran his fingers through his unruly raven hair. Nothing else needed to be said. This was probably going to be the hardest thing that they would face together, but they knew in the end it was going to be okay.


End file.
